Communication, the fatal flaw

With all the ways to communicate, why does it seem we never get beyond the surface?

Perhaps today’s title is a bit of a hyperbole, but I do believe that more than not, our inability to communicate is a large cause of emotional and even physical pain. Misunderstandings, arguments, self-consciousness: these all tend to stem from miscommunication or a lack of communicating at all. Why is it that we find it so hard to voice the thoughts that float inside our minds, to control the way we express our ideas, to articulate our hurts, loves, short-comings, etc.? In part I think it has to do with our socialization; that is, what type of behavior is “acceptable” in society. Being open with our feelings can come across as “socially awkward”, “rude”, or even clustered together with a “hippie liberal agenda” (lol!). Mostly though, I think it is out of fear of rejection – worrying how the receiving end will react to what we are saying.

Before I get too much into this, I’ll give you a quick anecdote to explain why this topic has been on my mind. Lately I’ve been counseling girls who’ve been experiencing rejection. Listening to each of their individual stories, I realized there were several common themes: both girls were experiencing the same feeling that the other one had hurt them, neither side had talked to the other about how they were feeling, and while they were still friends, there was this constant annoyance that would quickly rear it’s head with the smallest provocation. These hurts had been with them for YEARS, just hanging out in the back of their minds. In less than 10 minutes of having them talk to each other finally about their feelings, a resolution was found and relationships were mended. You’d be surprised of how much you can accomplish by just speaking to people about what’s going on inside!

So here’s my advice: openly communicate, but communicate properly. The second part is probably the hardest – heck I have a degree in communications and I still have issues lol. There are some basic “rules” that I’ve learned along the way though that I’ll share: For any serious talks, do it one-on-one. Don’t bring up an issue in front of a group, this will only make them more defensive or embarrassed to communicate back. Make it a comfortable setting, this will increase the chances of a positive reaction. If they absolutely won’t listen to, then you may need to bring in a neutral third party you both respect. When you are expressing your feelings, talk about you, not them. Instead of using statements like “you made me feel this way” or “you caused this…” talk about how a situation made you feel. If you make the person feel attacked, they will quickly become defensive and zone out any points you might have. Approach them like whatever you are talking about (whether good or bad) is a team effort to accomplish. Be honest, not hurtful. My pastor always talks about sandwiching correction with love. Basically, you can approach any situation out of love instead of anger or trying to hurt them back. It’s your choice how well it goes – what are you trying to get out of it? Take time to cool off. Pretty self explanatory . Finally, just be open. I’ve seen unrequited love last for far too long just because the person didn’t want to say anything so that they could hold on the the hope of it one day being returned. Just get it over with! Stop wasting time – it’s way too precious. (Bonus: being open with your compliments as well; there may be someone who really needs to hear that encouragement!).

There’s no way I can totally go into this topic in one post, but it definitely has been something I’ve wanted to tackle. Also, I know that you all are not like me and can probably communicate quite well. But for those who do lack in this area, I encourage us to start stepping up our communicating skills. It really will save you and those around you a lot of grief in the end.

What are your tips for better communication? How well do you express yourself? Let me know!

Random Posts